


This time I'm ready to run

by Cherrie



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Famous Harry, M/M, Non-Famous Louis, but I'm doing this new thing where I don't give away too much in tags soo, there are some other relationship involved, too much too ask inspired
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-07-02 18:27:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15802155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cherrie/pseuds/Cherrie
Summary: Six years ago Louis made a choice. This time around he was not about to make the same mistake again.





	This time I'm ready to run

**Author's Note:**

> yay.  
> I know it's not a lot of information about this fic but I'm trying this new thing when you know fuck all about my fic before you read it cause I think that it will be better as a surprise. 
> 
> Inspired by Too much to ask.
> 
> Have a nice read, and also give it up for my lovely beta Serena <3

‘There’s no place I’d rather be, Sydney!’ He screamed into the microphone and thousands of people screamed his name back at him. 

_ There’s no place I’d rather be _ he heard a soft whisper in his head, a faint memory from a few years back. Hair on the nape of his neck stood up.

‘You have made me the happiest man on the planet, and I am forever grateful for that!’ He yelled again looking at the faces of his fans, the ones that he could make out from the crowd. They looked happy that he said it. He was glad he said it then. Even if it was a lie.

_ I’ve never been so happy  _ he heard his own voice at the back of his mind, and though covered by layers of years and regret they were still more true than anything else in his life.

He finished the show, bowed down with his band and moved backstage, followed by screams of thousands of people. Everytime he heard them he felt like floating. Every other singer he knew always said that the concert high, the way those people worship the ground you walk on was the best feeling on the planet. That it makes you feel like you’re walking on water supported by their admiration only and that nothing could ever compare to that feeling.

Harry agreed. Partially. It was a great feeling. He knew one that was better though. 

He used to turn around those last few days in his head at the beginning. Wondering if given the chance would he make a different decision, would he fight harder for them. He used to come up with thousands of scenarios, some of them ending differently, some of them ending exactly the same with him alone, living his dream and always just shy of enjoying it because there was a boy-shaped hole where his heart used to be.

He had to admit though, it was making for good songs.

‘You were amazing Harry!’ Jeff gushed as soon as Harry got off stage.

‘Yeah thanks.’ Harry smiled tightly at him. It was last night of tour. Jeff had promised him a lot of things for this day.

‘Harry…’ Jeff started, looking guilty.

‘Let me guess.’ Harry said holding his finger up, stopping Jeff from speaking. ‘Not yet.’

‘It’s just not a good time. I mean both me and my dad agree…’ Jeff said, trotting after Harry who moved toward his dressing room.

‘I really don’t want to hear it, Jeff. You said you had it handled. You said that by the end of this tour I’m gonna come out. And now you’re saying that yet again, your dad said no.’  Harry said, reproach evident in his tone of voice.

‘’Harry listen...’ Jeff said, getting red in the face.

‘No, you listen. When you found me. When you signed me. You told me that you would always have my back. I know I was eighteen and just a kid but I knew that there were some things that I would have to keep hidden at least for awhile. But I’m not eighteen anymore. I’ve waited this long, and we worked out this timeline for my coming out so it doesn’t hurt my career or your daddy’s profit. So the only reason you are saying no to me, are your family issues. Which as your friend - I sympathise. But as your client? You have to keep me out of them.’ Harry said sternly. ‘And tell your dad the same’ he finished, wiped his face clean, and moved back to the stage to help the technicians clean up.

Afterwards when he was already at the afterparty, he was sulking in the lounge when Niall - his guitarist and best friend - came over and plopped down next to him, handing him a beer.

‘So I take it you’re not coming out yet.’ He said, chugging his own beer quickly.

‘Nope.’ Harry responded curtly sucking on the straw, before he looked at it with disgust. ‘Dude, I told you, no straws. Do you have any idea how much they pollute our planet?’ He tagged on and put the straw carefully in a tissue and then in his pocket, trying to remember to put it in a recycle bin later. Since he had already used it, it was the best he could do.

‘Babe, I’m sorry.’ Niall sighed softly and for a second Harry thought that he was going to be serious. ‘But if you don’t want to suck at the straw you should find something else to suck on.’ He added wiggling his eyebrows making Harry laugh despite himself.

‘I don’t want to bring anyone into this, you know that.’ Harry reasoned.

‘I know. That’s exactly what I’m saying. Ever since we met you’ve never had a boyfriend. It’s been six years Haz.’ Niall said, reviving a conversation they had been having more frequently recently.

‘I just haven’t met the right guy.’ Harry said, tasting the lie on his tongue.

‘Oh come on! You’re Harry Styles! You could have anyone you wanted. Like literally! You could point at the guy on the street and have him in love with you after a second.’ Niall huffed.

‘I seriously doubt it,’ Harry laughed. ‘I know I am stunning,’ He presented mockingly, ‘But there has to be a guy immune even to my charms.’ He added flicking his hair back.

‘You’re just fishing for compliments!’ Niall accused. ‘But really even the most beautiful guy on the planet would fall in love with you in an instant. You’re a great guy, Haz.’

‘And who would that be, mister, huh? I thought the whole point of this was to tell me that I was most beautiful!’ He said, punching Niall playfully in the chest.

‘Of course, your highness!’ Niall tipped an imaginary hat. ‘I mean like, right after Zayn Malik.’

Harry chuckled lightly, he could take it. Niall’s crush on Zayn Malik was almost as old as Harry and Niall’s friendship. 

‘And this dude that internet is obsessing about today.’ Niall added offhandedly, making Harry gasp mockingly.

‘You mean that you find some rando more beautiful than me? I am deadly offended!’

‘Oh fuck off Styles,’ Niall laughed ruffling his hair. ‘He’s seriously gorgeous. He was caught in the background of a picture from some fundraiser. For Trevor Project I think. He looks like an assassin. Sex on legs Styles, seriously.’ He added leaning onto Harry’s chest.

‘Well stop yapping and show me. I want to see the gorgeous assassin too. Maybe we’ll track him down and set you up on a date with him.’ Harry laughed while Niall took out his phone, and tapped few buttons. When photo loaded, the laugh caught in his throat.

He could feel Niall move under his hands.He could feel his chest going up with his breathing and his stomach vibrating with his laughs but Harry didn’t hear any of the things he was saying because he indeed was staring at the picture of the most beautiful man alive. His man. 

‘W-who.. Who is he?’ He heard himself speak.

‘Well the photo went viral like a few hours ago, but people dug up that he is a psychologist. Sexy doctor, can you believe? My mom would kill for a son in law like that.’ Niall chuckled. ‘Damn those cheekbones. Seriously.’

Harry felt nauseous. He hasn’t seen this face in a long time. He doesn’t have facebook anymore where he could creep up and peek at how he looked now. The only thing he had was old photos, and his vivid, vivid imagination. 

God he looked so good. Harry always remembered thinking that there was no one more beautiful but god, the man that was staring at Harry from that picture... Sharp cheekbones, his lips slightly open, Harry could almost remember how they tasted, his eyes squinting at the camera like he could see through it and read your soul, and truth be told he probably could. He was always so witty, always the smartest in the room. Making Harry feel like he had to catch up to him, feeling like a fanboy more times than not.

The wave of sadness that hit him next was a surprise. God, he… he missed him so much. It was always there at the back of his head, missing him, but he had managed to change him into a memory, a beautiful ethereal memory that could warm his bed at night, give him some hope for the future. He could pretend that if he ever decided to come back he would find the same radiant boy, in the same place where he left him all those years ago. Wearing the same patterned shirt. He would sweep his fringe off his eyes, and get lost in how blue they were, and then he would lean down and kiss him, ‘cause he just got taller, right after his eighteenth birthday and now he had to lean down to kiss him. He knew that time probably hadn’t stood still back home, that he had probably moved on already, had a life Harry was not a part of, and friends that Harry had never met. He knew that there was probably someone else leaning down to kiss him now, but god, was it good to pretend.

He wasn’t ready to let him out of that cage yet. He couldn’t, not when the real him was so far away from Harry. So he did the only reasonable thing he could think of, he grabbed Niall and demanded:

‘Let go get drunk.’ 

* * *

‘I seriously cannot believe that someone is calling you the most beautiful man alive.’ Liam giggled when he and Louis were having breakfast the day after the gala.

‘Oh shut the fuck up. I’m gorgeous and you know it,’ Louis laughed turning his nose up. 

‘Your feet smell.’ Liam said scrunching his nose up.

‘Thankfully you can’t tell just by looking at the photo, can you?’ 

‘You should really start wearing socks.’ Liam advised.

‘I hate socks.’ Louis shook his head. 

‘I know, believe me. I’ve had your smelly feet all up in my business.’ Liam rolled his eyes. ‘But seriously what are you doing with your newfound fame?’ He snickered.

‘Oh come on. Don’t fucking mock me. Twitter is always chasing shit. Three months ago there was this guy from jail. I think twitter got him a contract with Gucci or whatever. But since I already have a job, I think I’ll just wait until this blows over.’

‘That guy was way hotter than you.’ Liam noted.

‘Gee, Li. Thanks. I’m flooded with compliments here.’ Louis rolled his eyes.

‘You know our friendship is built on insults and mutual distaste.’ Liam laughed making Louis kick him under the table. 

He and Liam had been friends for a very long time, ever since Louis’ mom met Liam’ mom in the hospital where they were both giving birth to their sons. Liam was there for Louis through it all. He was there when Louis’ biological dad left. He was there when his adoptive dad left, and he was also there when Harry left. Helping Louis pick up the pieces was in his job description. So they both knew their friendship was built on so much more than just insults and mutual distaste, but they both liked to pretend. 

‘Sorry I have to cut this short.’ Louis said when he finished his eggs. ‘But I have to swing by Trevor’s HQ before work.’ He added, taking out his wallet out of his back pocket.

‘I got it.’ Liam said, catching his hand and throwing some bills on the table. ‘Why are you going to Trevor’s?’

‘Dunno.’ Louis shrugged while him and Liam were exiting the diner, nodding at their waitress. ‘They asked me to come in. I mean they have that big concert coming up but they already sent me an invitation for that, so they probably just want me to take on some more consulting hours.’

‘Can you?’ Liam asked sceptically.

‘I mean, yeah. Maybe like four or five a week?’ Louis smiled, praying that Liam would just drop it.

‘Really, did I miss the news? Did they extend the number of hours in a day?’ Liam asked mockingly. 

‘Funny. When did you decide to acquire a sense of humour?’ Louis shot back.

‘Around the time my best friend started to work himself to death. So I would say, give or take six years, ever since H…’ Liam stated sounding pissed off, but he didn’t get a chance to finish because Louis turned to him, red in the face at the first hint of that name. 

‘Don’t.’ He gritted through his teeth. ‘Do not use him to get a rise out of me. I am not a child Liam, I can handle myself thank you very much.’ 

‘You’re not a child? So stop acting like one.’ Liam hissed angrily. They were standing in the middle of the street arguing like teenagers. ‘Every time I try to breach the subject with you, you turn it around on me, and now I hear you’re trying to get more work? Louis for Christ’s sake. You work 20 hours a day. That’s not enough time to live.’

‘Stop it.’ Louis said softly, Liam’s words hitting way too close to home.

‘I’ll stop it when you promise you won’t take any more hours. Even if they ask nicely.’ Liam said sternly.

‘FIne!’ Louis huffed, tearing his arm out of Liam’s grip.

‘I love you.’ Liam whispered softly and he pulled Louis back in to envelope him in a hug. ‘I love you and I’m not gonna let you work yourself to death, okay? No matter how much you try.’

‘Love you too.’ Louis grumbled feeling himself relax under Liam’s familiar frame.

‘Now go to your meeting and I’ll see you tomorrow, right?’ Liam smiled letting him go.

‘See you tomorrow.’ Louis smiled and jumped in his car, driving away quickly.

He made it to Trevor’s Project HQ some time later and he took an elevator to the top floor to meet with Nick - CEO of Trevor Project and his close friend. Louis had gotten involved with the charity when he was still in college. Then he was only volunteering his man hours helping with organizing fundraisers or PR stuff, but after he graduated, he was one of the doctors on call that were donating their time for free. 

‘Grimmy,’ He smiled, poking his head through Nick’s open door.

‘Lou! Hi, come on in!’ Nick smiled, standing up from his chair to give Louis a hug. ‘Tea? Coffee?’ He asked picking up his phone.

‘Tea, please.’ Louis smiled sitting down.

‘Hi, Daisy, two teas please.’ Nick said into his phone and settled in his chair behind a desk, looking to Louis with that calculated look on his face that Louis always hated because it made him squirm. 

‘All right Grim, get on with it.’ Louis rolled his eyes.

‘Well I have a favour to ask.’ Nick smiled coyly, knowing full well how hard it was for Louis to say no to him. Daisy came in with the teas and she kissed his cheek quickly before heading back to her desk, leaving him alone with Nick again, who was looking at him like he was prey.

‘Nick, if you need me to come in more frequently, I really can’t. I’m sorry, I have my hands full with the practise already, and the time I’m giving you already is really all I can contribute...’ Louis started to explain himself, before Nick could even ask, feeling guilty for having to refuse.

‘Not what I wanted to ask.’ Nick smiled. ‘You know we have this concert coming up, right?’ 

‘You sent me an invitation Grim, just like every employee gets.’ Louis nodded, getting a bit confused about the purpose of the meeting.

‘Well so you know it’s a huge deal. We got all of the major lgbtq and ally singers to perform. We got Troye Sivan, Ariana Grande, Zayn Malik, Hayley Kiyoko. Hell! We got Elton John to perform. The entire thing will be live streamed on youtube. They promised to match every viewer with a pound. And now we’ve hit a roadblock.’ Nick sighed, grimacing at Louis. ‘It was supposed to be hosted by James Corden, but just yesterday he called in to let us know that he’s sick. His doctor forbid him from flying. We need someone to fill in.’ He said, looking to Louis expectantly.

‘...So how can I help? I mean. I don’t know anyone.’ Louis smiled.

‘We called everyone, but no one can fill in on such short notice. And someone during a brainstorming session threw your name in. The most beautiful man alive.’ Nick smiled under his nose. ‘According to Twitter and half of my friends,’ he laughed. ‘They talk about you. They probably will talk about you for few more days, so you could actually help our ratings. I know it’s not your thing, but I know you! You are a born people pleaser. You’re a smooth talker, you’re handsome, and you have a way of captivating the room without even trying.’ Nick said, leaning over his desk pleadingly. ‘You actually would be great. And I know it’s not your thing and you don’t want to do this or keep this silly thing with the picture alive any longer than it has to, but we… this organization really needs your help.’

Louis sighed heavily and leveled Nick with an unimpressed stare. Honestly, fuck him. He knew very well that Louis couldn’t say no. Not if they really needed something from him. And this technically didn’t violate the promise he made to Liam, since he was supposed to be at the concert anyway. Fuck, he was really doing this, wasn’t he?

‘You really have no one else that can fill in?’ Louis asked, making a slow smile appear on Nick’s face.

‘Come on. We have to fit you for a tux.’

* * *

Louis felt ridiculous. He was wearing a ridiculously expensive suit. His hair was up in a ridiculously high quiff (The girl that did it was probably Nick’s own hairdresser) and he was telling ridiculous jokes.

People were laughing though, so he guessed it couldn’t be that bad. 

Halfway through the entire thing, he almost forgot this was being broadcasted to the entire world. Nick was right. It did come easily to him. He never stressed the attention, people looking up to him. He thrived on it even. Just somewhere along the way it became harder to let people see him. He didn’t want them looking up to him anymore, because he didn’t want to feel like a goddamn fraud, when they finally realised how much he wasn’t handling anything anymore. 

He had spent the last six years trying to forget a boy. He tried to fill the void in his life that the boy had left with work, his family, and thousands of other meaningful things, hoping that one of them would finally make him stop aching. 

But even now when he was sitting at the afterparty, people coming by to congratulate him, he still couldn’t help but think about that boy.

Looking around, seeing all of the famous people, all the rich people, wondering, was it how _ his  _ life was now? Was he going to these kinds of places? He didn’t know. He tried to block out all of the information about him, but it wasn’t that easy. People were talking about him constantly. And Louis was happy. He was so happy that they hadn’t sacrificed what they had for nothing, that he really made it, that he became the star that he was always destined to be, that Louis always wanted him to be. But it didn’t make anything easier for Louis, seeing all of the girls he was being paraded around with made Louis sick to his stomach, seeing his eyes that were once always filled with so much light made him terrified that this boy, his boy, was lost for good.

After all this time, he still thought about whether they had made the right call. Back when he was 20 and Harry was 18. He… He thought he was doing the right thing by letting him go. He told himself, that Harry will go and meet tons of people on his road, that he didn’t want to hold him back. Harry said that he will probably be stuck in the closet for the better part of his career, they knew all of that so they decided that it would be better to just let go. For Louis to go on with his life. Finish college, get a degree, find a job. That’s what Harry had said. That he didn’t want Louis to be waiting around for him all the time. That he didn’t want Louis to spend his life by the phone awaiting a phone call. That if it works out Harry would be all over the place and he wanted something more for Louis, not hiding, not pretending. Truth be told, Louis simply thought that Harry could do so much better than him. He was about to be a superstar. The entire world was about to discover what Louis already knew, which was that this boy was special. This boy had something in him that not many people had. Kindness. Genuine kindness, a beautiful soul packed in equally beautiful skin. Louis always knew he was destined for great things, and he was so proud when he had the courage to look him up or listen to his songs, he was so proud. 

He missed him. Even after all those years he missed him so much. He was sure that for Harry he was nothing more than a  vague, fond memory, the kind you remember from time to time with a smile. He thought what would happen if Louis would have just refused to let go. Would Harry have grown tired of him one day? Would he have met some gorgeous model or actor and leave Louis behind? Tell him he’s sorry, he cannot control his heart? What would happen with Louis then? If he couldn’t hold onto his memories of him, because they would all be tainted by betrayal?

A person sliding into the booth next to Louis knocked him out of the haze.

‘Penny for your thoughts?’ He heard a singsong right above his ear and smiled, seeing Zayn Malik sit beside him with his signature coy smirk on his face.

‘You’re a millionaire, I’m offended by how low you value my thoughts.’ Louis shot back without a second of hesitation, making Zayn chuckle.

They had met literally hours ago. Louis was introducing Zayn to the stage and after his performance they shared a bit of a flirtatious banter on stage. Zayn was an lgbtq+ icon. He was like David Bowie and Freddie Mercury’s love child. He was bold, sexy, talented, and famous as hell. He talked loudly and openly about his sexuality and was a poster boy for change. 

‘A drink then?’ Zayn smirked back holding out a glass of whiskey in front of Louis’ face.

‘A man after my own heart.’ Louis smiled taking a glass from him. He could swear that when their fingers touched he felt a ghost of something he hadn’t felt in a very long time. Or maybe he had just forgotten how to. 

‘You were amazing today.’ Zayn smiled sweetly leaning back on the couch. ‘I couldn’t believe when they told me that you don’t do it professionally.’ 

‘You’ve been asking about me?’ Louis gasped jokingly. ‘I’m touched.’ 

‘I did. I find you very…’ Zayn trailed off while Louis bit his lip, Zayn’s eyes following the movement. ‘...Intriguing.’

‘You don’t beat around the bush, do you?’ Louis laughed looking down, feeling like a blushing schoolgirl.

‘I don’t tend to, no.’ Zayn shook his head.

‘If you’re gonna say you go after what you want, I swear to god…’ Louis said, raising his eyebrow.

‘No. I just … prefer honesty. No matter how corny that may seem.’ Zayn answered, his face open, his smile genuine. It wasn’t like Louis followed Zayn’ career closely, but if he did see his pictures around, they were brooding, sexy, mysterious. Not this, sweet boy next door look. Louis liked it. 

‘It’s not.’ He denied quickly, turning fully towards Zayn and putting his hand on Zayn’s on instinct. ‘It’s nice.’ 

Zayn looked up at him and they both laughed softly.

‘Well way to make me feel like a teenager again.’ He chuckled.

‘You will thank me once you’re old and grey.’ 

‘I do not plan on being old.’ Zayn defended enthusiastically.

‘And how are you planning on achieving that?’ Louis laughed.

‘Age, my friend, is a state of mind. I’m young, queer, and fabulous - there is no way I’ll ever get old.’

‘I don’t see you disputing grey though.’

‘Nah, I think I would be just as hot as a silver fox as I am today.’ Zayn winked.

‘Sure thing, daddy.’ Louis whispered, making Zayn throw his head back in a laugh.

‘I think you’ll find that it’s Zaddy. Honestly my fans would be so disappointed now.’ Zayn shook his head. 

He and Zayn spent hours afterwards talking, with only a few brief pauses for trips to the bar. At the end of the night Louis didn't even know where his evening had gone. It was already the middle of the night and he was supposed to be in work early, so as much as he hated to do it, he had to go home. 

‘I’m sorry I just… I have to go to work early in the morning.’ He said, not even making one move to stand up.

‘I get it.’ Zayn smiled. ‘I mean… I don’t really, I haven’t had a real job in… um.. Ever I guess.’ He laughed. ‘But if you need to go, you need to go. No matter how much I would like to stretch this evening indefinitely.’ 

‘I had a great time.’ Louis nodded. ‘You made me lose track of time, which, doesn’t happen to me very often.’

‘I’m glad I could be useful. Would you let me drive you home? Maybe we can still milk this a little bit more?’

‘Since you asked so nicely.’ Louis laughed.

They moved towards the exit, Louis catching Nick’s eyes from across the room, who was winking at him and making a lot of crude gestures that Louis was way too classy to discuss. When they got their coats, Zayn helped Louis put on his, and then led him by the small of his back to the car, that his driver already had pulled up.

Louis gave the driver his address and then Zayn pulled up the partition. 

They fell into the conversation again, about a movie Louis had seen and was very enthusiastic about, Zayn watching him with fond eyes.

‘Go out with me.’ He said when Louis took a breath in the middle of his rant about how unpredictable the movie was. 

‘Really?’ Louis asked, a small confused crease on his forehead.

‘Yes really!’ Zayn exclaimed incredulously before his eyes went all cloudy ‘Just the sight of him. Heart pounding, throat thickening, absolutely can’t swallow.’ he added smiling softly touching Louis cheek.

‘What?’ Louis asked, a bit confused.

‘Sorry.’ Zayn chuckled sheepishly. ‘Holiday is my favourite movie.’ He added, ducking his head. ‘But seriously. What do you think this was all evening, Louis? Man, if you didn’t know I was hitting on you, I was way more subtle than I was meaning to be. So, allow me to remedy that.’ He said and slid his hand delicately along Louis’ neck, bringing their faces closer with one smooth gesture, but still giving Louis a second to protest if that’s what he wanted.

But Louis didn’t. He felt his heart beating rapidly out of his chest, because he hadn’t done this for such a long time. Yeah, he had one night stands here and there, some busted dates, or awkward coffees. But he hadn’t had  _ this _ for a long time. A kiss with a guy he actually felt a connection with. A guy he could talk to for hours and forget about everything else. Before he had time to overthink it Zayn’s lips were on his, kissing him softly but surely, and soon enough his other hand looped around Louis’ waist and brought him halfway onto Zayn’s lap. Louis braced himself onto Zayn’s chest and kissed back enthusiastically, cause damn. That was a good kiss.

‘Do you get it now, Louis?’ Zayn murmured against his lips, his hands holding his middle tightly, making Louis shiver. 

‘You may have to show me again.’ Louis whispered back, while Zayn moved on to kissing his neck. ‘Maybe on our date.’ He added and felt Zayn’s smile on his skin as soon as the words left his mouth. 

‘I’m staying in London for a while. I just finished my tour. I have few days off and then I’m starting on my next album. I know you’re a busy man, but I would love if you would give me an evening.’ He said, bringing his hands to Louis’ face and touching his cheeks softly with his thumbs.

‘How does Friday night sound?’ Louis asked, his hand fidgeting nervously against Zayn’s stomach.

‘Sounds perfect.’  

* * *

Harry was having a great day.

Ever since his tour ended, he had been holed up in his London home, writing new music, waiting for Jeff to finally give him the go, for his coming out. He said he needed lay the groundwork for now, spread some rumours, have people talking, have them get used to the idea that womanizer Harry Styles might be gay.

He said he would be spreading some articles, so Harry stayed off of twitter, instagram or any news and ‘news’ sites on the internet. The only reason he was using his laptop was for Netflix, and the only people he was in contact with from the outside world were his family and Niall. His fans were probably losing their shit, but it would all be worth it once he got to come out.

He was itching to go and find some information about Louis. The last thing he had seen was that picture, the one that had earned him the most beautiful man alive title. He was wondering if people were still talking about it. On one hand he hoped that they would but on the other he dreaded every mention of Louis' name in the press. All of those years it was easier to put him aside when he didn’t have to see or hear what he was doing. He wondered how it was for Louis, whether he had that problem of Harry’s presence torturing him the same way Louis' presence was torturing Harry now. He couldn't imagine how it would be if he had Louis in the papers, on billboards, on the streets or, in random conversations overheard in a store. 

On the other hand, Louis probably didn’t give two shits about him. So there was also that.

That wasn’t really what he wanted to think about just now so he was glad that in that moment he heard banging upstairs, and a distinctively irish voice using a few swear words. 

‘In here!’ He yelled smiling. Niall always knew how to improve his humour.

‘Hazza, I am violently depressed.’ Niall exclaimed dramatically while he was descending the stairs bag of chips in hand. 

‘Why violently?’ Harry asked amused by his best friends tactics.

‘Because it sounds funnier, and I need an ounce of humour in my miserable life.’ Niall groaned, throwing himself on the couch next to Harry and weaselling onto his chest for a cuddle. 

‘What happened, baby boy?’ Harry asked bringing his hands tightly around Niall’s waist and kissing his head softly.

‘Zayn has a boyfriend. A gorgeous boyfriend that I could never compare to.’ Niall pouted. 

‘Now baby, we talked about this. You cannot let celebrities you’ve never met impact your life’ 

‘I knoooow.’ NIall whined. ‘But he’s so hot that I don’t know whether I’m jealous or just want to get between them.’ 

‘Well the good thing about fantasies is that you can do whatever you want in them. Even get in between Zayn and his gorgeous boyfriend.’ 

‘There is already a lot of fanfiction about them.’ Niall said like he was talking himself down.

‘Euh. You read those?’ Harry asked scrunching his nose up.

‘Duh. There are tons about you too. You don’t read them?’

‘The only ones written about me are filled with heterosexual sex and stuff like fist me daddy and I would rather gouge my eyes out than read those.’ 

‘Ah, yeah, those are the worst. If you want to we can start making heart eyes at each other on stage. I’m sure someone would write a fanfiction about us.’ Niall said with a bashful smile, and honestly this was the reason Harry kept him around.

‘Thanks baby.’ He smiled. ‘Do you want me to cook you something?’ He asked, getting really worried about Niall not asking this sooner. 

‘Yes. I’m feeling tacos!’ Niall yelled excitedly, standing up so fast that he gave Harry whiplash. 

He cooked Niall tacos and later they curled on the sofa and watched Netflix and actually chilled. Harry liked evenings like these. Most of his evenings looked like that. He liked a party as much as the next guy but lately it seemed like the only reason he was going to a party was for a photo op. And he was so fucking done with those. 

But apparently Jeff wasn’t. He called him two weeks later and told him that it’s time to come out of hibernation. He thought that a fundraiser for lgbtq+ youth would be a good first step. A way to introduce Harry as an ally first, considering how all of his donations had to be hush when he was still in the closet, and he couldn’t be caught dead in anything even remotely rainbow related. 

So he put in extra effort, because even if it was another photo op, it was much more his speed than holding hands with girls he didn’t even like. He put on a flower suit (another part of Jeff’s strategy, letting Harry get more daring with his wardrobe) and he got inside the limo with Niall in tow. He needed a date. His mom and sister couldn’t make it and he thought it was kind of funny, maybe it would stir some rumours about them dating, like they had joked about before. He also heard that Zayn Malik would be attending. He had met Zayn briefly a few times, and figured it might be a good idea to finally introduce Niall to him. Maybe if Niall realises that Zayn is actually a human being he will stop fan boying so much,and it would make Harry’s life that much easier. 

‘Okay so Harry, remember. Do not, I cannot stress this enough, do not make any innuendos about you being gay. You can make jokes about Niall being your date, but nothing that anyone would take seriously. We are just dipping our toes in a pool, not diving head first. We have to gauge public perception.’

‘Jeffrey, please do not get your panties in a twist.’ Niall  pleaded over the brim of a champagne glass. ‘He’s not five. You’re doing what he wanted, he’s not gonna blow it.’ He added and chuckled softly over his next thought. ‘He may be blowing something else later, but not this, I swear.’

‘I had media training Jeff, I got it.’ Harry said, trying to placate his manager who was looking quite indignant over Niall’s remarks.

‘Fine.’ Jeff took a deep breath like he needed to compose himself ‘I’ll show you who to stop for on the carpet, okay? Take a few pictures. Please, overplay it okay? Niall is out, we do not want people to seriously consider you two dating.’

‘Hey Haz, do you want to do a Titanic pose on the carpet?’ Niall chuckled and Harry just opened the door and stepped out to the wall of photographers to prevent Jeff from going into another speech about mocking his directions.

He and Niall were dicking around on the carpet, when he caught from the corner of his eyes one Zayn Malik stepping out on the carpet himself.

‘Niall,’ He said stirring him a bit so he could notice. ‘Don’t faint please,’ he added when he saw Niall literally pale.

‘He looks so good, Christ.’ Niall whined, hiding his face on Harry’s arm.

‘He is also alone. No boyfriend in sight. See? Maybe it was just a rumour. Do you want me to introduce you?’ Harry asked, already making a move towards Zayn.

‘In front of the photographers? Are you kidding? Do you want me to become a meme?!’ Niall asked, genuinely outraged.

‘No, sorry baby.’ Harry laughed. ‘Let’s go inside, get you some liquid courage, and then we’ll find Zayn again.’ 

‘Interviews first. But then yes, lots of whiskey.’ Niall murmured jumping onto Harry’s back for a piggy back ride. 

They talked to a lovely lady from E!, that douchebag from TMZ and a lot of other people. Niall made tons of jokes about riding Harry when he was still on his back, and Harry genuinely grimaced at that which was too pure of a reaction for anyone to consider fake. Jeff would be proud. People were praising his wardrobe choices and Harry was preening under that kind of attention. They were also asking him about his sudden support towards the lgbtq+ community, which was in a poor taste in Harry’s opinion, but he just smiled, and said that his support wasn’t sudden, it was just less public before, which wasn’t exactly a lie. 

Finally, after over forty minutes of red carpet interviews, he and Niall have been sitting by the bar drinking whiskey, Harry scanning the room trying to catch a glimpse of Zayn. He was pretty determined on setting them up. Niall was used to meeting famous people. He worked and dated a lot of them, so Harry had no idea why he was losing his mind whenever Zayn was mentioned. But even if it wouldn’t turn into anything more, Harry could at least get him a picture or an autograph. 

Finally he saw a spark of silver, resembling the jacket that Zayn was wearing that day and Harry grabbed Niall by his sleeve, dragging him towards Zayn. 

‘Hey, Zayn, mate nice to see you again.’ He said putting a hand on Zayn’s arm to have him turn around.

‘Harry! You look great love.’ Zayn smiled and kissed both of Harry’s cheeks. 

‘Loved the new song by the way.’ Harry smiled earnestly referring to Zayn’s first single from his upcoming album that had just released a few days before. ‘Oh, where are my manners!’ He exclaimed motioning towards Niall. ‘This is my best mate, Niall, very talented guitarist, and this is Zayn.’

‘Yeah mate, you did that song with Shawn? I heard about you!’ Zayn said, clasping Niall’s hand who on the other hand looked like the sky had opened up above him. 

‘I did Shawn yeah.’ Niall breathed. ‘I mean…’ He cleared his throat blushing furiously at his own innuendo. ‘Sorry,’ he chuckled self consciously. ‘I’m a fan, so this is actually nerve wracking.’ 

‘No worries mate, all is good as soon as you promise to do me next, huh?’ Zayn winked at Niall and Harry was grinning widely at both of them. ‘Really, if you have something, I would love to work together.’ He added smiling genuinely and squeezing Niall’s shoulder.

‘Jesus Z there you are. If you leave me again with those vultures, I’m gonna kill you.’ He heard a voice behind him, and it was funny how everything seemed to slow down. He could see in slow motion how Zayn’s head turned towards the voice and how his eyes brightened. Harry knew that look. Mostly from the mirror. 

He was almost glad that he was awarded those extra few seconds to compose his facial expression. That Louis came from behind him and he said something first so Harry was able to recognise him before he had to turn around and face him. 

Whatever was said next was drowned out by the constant loop of  _ Louis is here. Louis is here. What is he doing here.  _ in Harry’s head. He saw him stand next to Zayn and kiss him on the cheek. He saw him introduce himself to Niall and then he saw as he slowly turned towards Harry. He could see the recognition filling his eyes like a tidal wave. Harry was so lost in his eyes, like he had dreamed of being, that he didn’t even notice a girl slamming into his side, knocking him out of the trance.

‘I’m so sorry,’ she said and went on her way.

‘Oops.’ Harry smiled, his body instinctively turning towards Louis. Like he always did. Like Louis was the sun in his solar system.

‘Hi.’ Louis said looking to him with a mixture of emotions Harry just couldn’t decipher. Or he was too afraid to decipher.

‘You… you know each other?’ Niall asked, looking between them with narrowed eyes.

And there it was. The thing Harry was always the most afraid of. People coming after them asking Harry to explain himself. To explain Louis. He couldn’t. He wasn't supposed to tell the truth but there was no way in hell he would be able to lie about them. They meant too much, Louis meant too much, he couldn’t just…

‘Oh, we went to school together.’ Louis smiled like it was nothing. Sweeping their story, their love under the rug like it had never happened, Harry looked to him confused, trying to hide the betrayal probably visible in his eyes. 

‘Seriously? You never told me!’ Zayn smiled sweetly and looped his arm around Louis’ waist, Harry tracking the movement feeling something ugly and possibly green soar inside him.

‘Well it never came up.’ Louis shrugged. ‘Actually could you guys excuse us for a second? I haven’t seen Harry in years, I would love to catch up. We could maybe bring back some drinks for you guys?’ Louis asked.

Fuck. Smooth as ever. He was always so good in commanding the room. In a second he had Niall and Zayn talking like no one ever interrupted them and Harry at his side leading him towards the other side of the ballroom.

Harry could feel Louis’ hand hovering around the small of his back. He was tempted to miss a step to have it connect with his body. To just feel him for another second that wasn’t his. 

‘I can’t believe it’s actually you.’ Louis breathed, looking at him with a small smile when they were standing outside of the ballroom in a quiet corridor.

Harry just looked at him still too dazed to even utter a single word, still not sure it it was real or if he actually driven himself insane like Gemma had been predicting for years now. So he reached out to touch. He touched Louis’ hair, sweeping it off of his forehead. It was so soft, felt like it always did. 

‘You’re real.’ Harry said with a small grimace, making Louis look down and smile at his feet.

‘Yeah and you’re still you.’ He said looking back to Harry. ‘How… how have you been? Shit. I… I don’t even know what to ask!’

‘You weren’t keeping tabs on me?’ Harry asked, not knowing what answer he was hoping for. 

‘I was.’ Louis nodded his head. ‘Sometimes.’ He amended looking into Harry’s eyes.  ‘When I was feeling especially masochistic.’ 

The conversation came to a lull. Harry wanted to ask so many questions. He wanted to say so much, but there was a beautiful man waiting for Louis on the other side of that door and Harry had no right to say anything anymore. 

‘I know it hurt you.’ Louis said quietly and for a second he didn’t know which part Louis was talking about. ‘When I said that we went to school together. It hurt you that I didn’t tell them the truth.’ 

Harry hung his head low. Fuck, was it really so easy to read him? Even after all this time? Was he so transparent or was their bond strong enough to last that long? Or maybe Louis was just watching closely, jesus what the fuck did this mean? 

‘I wasn’t ashamed of you, or scared to tell Zayn or whatever you’re thinking.’ Louis said urgently grabbing Harry’s forearm. ‘I just know that you’re not out yet. I don’t know how liberal you are with that knowledge in your personal life, but I saw you struggling with the answer. I didn’t know whether that was for my benefit or your personal reasons but I didn’t want to make you say something you weren’t ready for. So I stepped in. Maybe I overstepped, I’m sorry if that’s the case.’

‘Just like the old times, huh?’ Harry asked looking at Louis again, feeling his eyes water. ‘Always taking care of me.’

‘Always.’ Louis nodded. ‘Or for however long you’d let me.’ Louis smiled and Harry wondered whether he should take his words seriously. Why, why was it all so complicated?

Or was it?

Because whatever Harry felt, and whatever Louis said now was in an emotional state, upon meeting an ex-boyfriend. Whatever the reason Louis was saying those things, it wasn’t right for Harry to use them to get close to him again. He had no right anymore, and Louis had clearly moved on. With Zayn fucking Malik of all people. Jesus, maybe he and Niall could have a good cry about it later. 

‘We should probably go back.’ Harry said. ‘Get those drinks we promised.’ 

‘Yes, yeah, right.’ Louis said clearing his throat and taking a step back from Harry, like he just realised how inappropriate it was for them to stand so closely. ‘Niall, is he...um… is he your boyfriend?’ 

‘No!’ Harry laughed genuinely. ‘He’s my best friend, just brought him along.’ 

‘Oh...’ 

‘Zayn though, he is your boyfriend right?’ Harry asked back, dreading the answer that was pretty obvious.

‘We… yeah we’re dating. We didn’t really put a label on it, it’s um.. It’s new.’ Louis said, fidgeting with his fingers.

‘Why didn’t you walk the carpet with him?’ Harry asked, another ugly feeling raising up in his chest. He had left Louis because he thought that he deserved more, not to be hidden away from the world. He didn’t leave him so Louis could find another boy who couldn’t or didn’t want to show him off for everyone to see. 

‘Like I said, it’s new. It was my choice Harry.’ He said sternly. ‘You of all people should know that red carpets and all that was never really my style.’ 

‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry. It’s really none of my business.’ Harry backpedaled. Louis never needed him for a rescue. 

‘It’s okay.’ Louis smiled, and opened the door for Harry to walk back inside the ballroom. They didn’t talk much on the way to the bar, just ordered their drinks and walked back to their dates. Harry was scrambling for anything he could say. He really just wanted to grab Louis and just go far away from all of them, where he could talk to him, listen what he’s been up to for the past 6 years, where he could figure out how to keep Louis in his life without ruining his relationship or getting his heart broken again and again.

When they found Niall and Zayn again they were sitting by the table, talking about some song Niall had in mind for Zayn. He was singing it under his breath using a fork and a table as a makeshift drum set.

‘And here!’ He punched extra hard. ‘This is where the sax would go!’ 

‘That’s brilliant mate! Do you want to come by the studio? I am writing a new album now, do you want to lay this song down?’

‘Yeah man, sure thing.’ Niall smiled and Harry was glad to notice that he was acting like a normal human being again. Still following Zayn’s movement way too closely but he didn’t look like he was going to faint anytime soon so Harry considered it a win.

They sat back down, and Harry didn’t have to talk anymore. Niall was doing enough of it for him. He was asking all kinds of questions about Louis, and for once Harry was actually glad for Niall’s obsession with all things Zayn because he could hear what Louis was up to without having to ask, without having to show his cards.

So Louis had actually finished his degree, Harry had assumed as much. He also worked in a private practice and he volunteered with Trevor Project. It was how he and Zayn met. After that picture of Louis, Trevor’s CEO asked him to host some charity concert they had, because their host got ill last minute. So Louis stepped in, because of course he did. And now here he was back in Harry’s world, and Harry couldn’t stop watching him. He was so beautiful, so elegant, Harry was pretty sure that he was leaving fairy dust all of over the place. One time he was actually thankful for Niall’s ability to hoard the attention to himself, because he was pretty sure that with the amount of staring he was doing, Zayn was bound to punch him in a face eventually. 

He was just trying to come up with a reason to keep Louis in his life. The hardest thing he had ever done was walking away from him when he was eighteen and there was no way in hell he was strong enough to let him walk out again without some way to reach him. But the time was ticking and soon this evening would be over and Louis was not looking at him at all. Harry didn’t know what to do. 

‘Okay dude, we have to hang out again. Zayn, Lou come on, give your contact info.’ He heard Niall say and it was like coming up for air. Suddenly he was pulled back into the conversation and he had to shake himself awake. 

He saw as Zayn programmed his phone number into Niall’s phone and he saw Louis do the same. Then Niall pulled him to his feet, Zayn kissed his cheek, and Louis squeezed his arm one last time before they were gone. Jumping into the limo at the back of the venue, his and Niall’s car following close behind. He was pushed to the back of the car by Niall and he sat there dumbfounded before Niall’s phone hitting his chest shook him awake.

‘I got you his number. So he’s not disappearing in a puff of smoke.’ He said, and when Harry turned to look at him surprised, ‘Oh come on, H. I don’t know who he is or how you know him, but you’ve been staring at him the entire evening. You barely said a word. Meanwhile I learned everything that you would like to know. I’ll share it all since you didn’t seem like you were listening, but you have to tell me one thing first.’

‘What?’ Harry asked.

‘What the fuck happened with you and Louis?’

* * *

‘So you want to tell me when you two dated, or are you gonna make me guess?’ Zayn asked quietly as soon as they drove off from outside the venue.

‘I… I’m not sure how much I can tell, without uncovering things that are not mine to uncover.’ Louis said, looking to Zayn pleadingly. ‘How do you even know?’ 

‘He was looking at you. He looks at you like you are his entire universe. Jesus it felt indecent to even be next to you with him looking at you like that. I felt like a fucking voyeur!’ Zayn shook his head.

‘I didn’t know he was going to be there.’ Louis said quietly, feeling guilty god knows why.

‘I did.’ Zayn countered. ‘I just didn’t know it was relevant.’ 

‘I’m sorry.’ Louis said looking at Zayn.

‘Are you apologising for what happened already or are you apologising for what you’re about to do?’ Zayn asked sharply. ‘Because neither is necessary.’

‘I don’t know what I’m apologizing for, Zayn. I just somehow feel like I should. I don’t know what I’m about to do, Z. I haven’t seen him in six years, and I will admit I’m a bit shaken up. I… I don’t know what to tell you and I’m afraid I’m going to say the wrong thing.’

‘The fact that you are ‘shaken up’ about it.’ Zayn said, making air quotes around the word. ‘Is telling me everything I need to know. You wouldn’t be shaken up about if it was behind you. If you didn’t have feelings for him anymore. And… I cannot compete with that. Six years, you said? Six years and you’re still hung up on him? I don’t think I even want to compete with that.’

‘So you’re breaking up with me.’ Louis stated. 

‘Can you give me one reason why I shouldn’t?’ Zayn asked evenly looking into Louis eyes.

-

‘I don’t know.’ Louis said after a bit.

He could tell Zayn that he wanted to move on. That Zayn was the first person to make him think that it was possible to move on. He could tell him, that it was still new, that he liked him, that he had fun with him, and that Zayn made him let his hair down and loosen up. That he got him to stop working so much, and he gave him hope. He could say all of that. But seeing Harry? God. Harry. He was not prepared for what would happen with his heart if he ever saw him again. He knew how Harry looked like, no matter how hard he tried to avoid mentions of Harry, he did look him up sometimes. He did listen to his songs when the mood struck. He would never tell anyone that - especially not Liam, he would worry himself sick.

Having Harry right there, he had no idea what to do. He was afraid to even look at him because he was scared that Harry would realise how completely pathetic he was, still after six years pining after the same boy that left. Right now he was sitting in the limousine with his boyfriend, his smoking hot, caring, loving, talented incredible boyfriend who was currently breaking up with him, and the only thing he could think of was whether Zayn was right. Whether Harry really looked at him like Louis was his universe. He was disappointed now that he was too afraid to look at Harry, because he would be able to tell then. He had experience with being looked at like that by Harry because that’s how Harry had looked at him when they were together. 

In conclusion - he couldn't with clear conscience tell Zayn one good reason why he shouldn’t dump him right then and there. He couldn’t use Zayn to get over Harry. He deserved way more than that. 

They didn’t talk the rest of the way. Zayn drove him to his house and Louis went in, without earning so much as a glance from Zayn, and well… he guessed he deserved that. 

He went into his house, still shaken up about the whole thing. He went inside his bedroom and looked in the bottom of his closet. Buried under a bunch of old t-shirts was a box he rarely opened, full of mementos of Harry. Tons of pictures he used to have up on his walls, first at home, and then in his dorm room. He had a ticket to a concert that he and Harry both went to before they had even met. They had sat just five seats apart. Louis couldn’t believe he hadn’t noticed him then. He had a flyer from the battle of bands that he and Harry both performed in. That’s where they met. That’s where Louis, the lead vocalist of The Rouge, saw 15 year old Harry Styles. All curls, baggy clothes, and colorful sneakers, he tripped over the mic stand while going onto stage only to dance around like a Mick Jagger offspring when the music kicked in. Louis was gone for him right then and there. He was 17 then. Now, 10 years later, Harry was still everything Louis wanted.

He wanted to call Liam, he did. But he was not 17 anymore and it was late. e had work the next day, and his usual breakfast date with Liam, so he could talk about it then. 

He was pretty sure he wasn’t gonna sleep much that night, there was no reason for both of them to.

* * *

The next morning, Louis got up from his bed after few hours of thrashing and turning around on his bed, not being able to sleep. He had tried to figure out what to do, until one lonely thought hit him - was he really in position to do something? He still had about the same means to contact Harry as he had for the past six years. He still had the same reasons to contact Harry as he had for the past six years, which were - when he was honest with himself - none. It was so easy for Zayn to misread Harry. What was he building his hopes up on? The fact that Zayn noticed how weird they were with each other - it was a weird situation after all - got to his own conclusions and maybe said the things he said because he got jealous and pissy, and who could even blame him?

It was a given that when Liam slid into their usual booth, he looked at Louis with big, concerned eyes.

‘Is this just hangover or should I be worried?’ He asked tentatively, placing a menu on the side of the table. They always got the same thing, there was no reason to read it. 

‘Fuck I wish.’ Louis sighed. ‘I saw Harry yesterday.’

‘He… he called or..?’ Liam asked confusedly.

‘Ha!’ Louis sneered. ‘No. We bumped into him at the party.’

‘How was it?’ Liam asked softly like he had no idea how to react or what kind of support Louis needed from him now. Welcome to the club.

‘Weird. I… I don’t know. I was all over the fucking place. But.. but he was there! He was right there in front of me, and I hadn’t seen him for such a long time. We, we talked for a bit.’ Louis sighed, rubbing his eyes tiredly trying to contain his thoughts. ‘When we talk it’s like half of the conversation isn’t even happening out loud, yet we both know what the other is saying. He knows me that well. He can read me that well. If I thought we would lose it somewhere along the way these past six years, I was dead wrong. I can still tell what he’s feeling most of the time. When I’m not afraid to look at him, that is’  Louis said, biting his lip self consciously. 

‘So what are you going to do now?’ Liam asked when their usual waitress brought them their usual breakfast.

‘Thanks.’ Louis smiled at her. ‘I don’t think there is anything left to do here.’ He shrugged when she left. ‘We saw each other, yes. But that doesn’t change anything. All of the reasons we broke up for are still there. Nothing’s changed.’ 

‘That’s not true.’ Liam shook his head. ‘I was there when you broke up, remember? You broke up because you were both convinced that it was the best thing for the other one. That the other one would forget and be better off. But you’re not. You didn’t forget. You broke up because you thought that you would be happier in the long run. But you’re not. Six years, Lou.’ Liam shook his head. ‘That’s what’s changed. This is not an adolescent relationship that you can just get over or forget.‘

‘I know that!’ Louis burst out before he looked around sheepishly and lowered his voice. ‘I always knew that wasn’t an adolescent relationship that I could just get over. It never was for me…’

‘But you think it was for him.’ Liam stated.

‘Do you have any proof that it wasn’t?’ Louis asked

‘Do you have any proof that it was?’ Liam countered. ‘Look Lou, at the end of the day you just gonna have to trust what you had. Only you know what was it between the two of you. I think…’ Liam said looking at his hands that tangled themselves with Louis’ at some point on the table. ‘I think that back then, you mistook romance and devotion with immaturity. You thought that you were just children and that believing that you might have found the love of your life when you were fifteen meant that you were childish and that somehow it wasn’t valid. So you tried to do the so called ‘right thing’ by minimizing your connection and ending things, because it seemed like a logical thing to do when you were met with an impossible situation. So you let go. Because romance between two young people is so often identified with foolishness.’ He said squeezing Louis’ fingers, his eyes a little wet. ‘But how is that working out for you? Are you happy? Did you move on? Did you find something or someone else that would make you at least half as happy as you used to be with him? Because I don’t think so. So maybe it’s time to try something different.’

Louis was biting his lip hard, because the last thing he needed was to cry on his eggs, but fuck, Liam was right. He hadn’t wanted to let him go then. He could tell himself thousands of things, that even if he hadn’t let him go, then they might have still broken up later, for some other reason or at some other time, but the truth was, if he could turn back time he would not have let go. Knowing what he knew now after six years, he didn’t care if it all went to hell for some other reason in some imaginary reality he made up in his head to make himself feel better.

He would never, ever let him go again. 

* * *

‘Frankly I’m surprised you called.’ Niall said, leaning against the doorway to the studio.

‘Why?’ Zayn deadpanned. ‘Because the fact that your best friend used to date my ex-boyfriend and they may still be into each other, which may be a direct reason that he is my ex means that we can’t write a song together?’ 

‘Wow. Over six years of drama, and you summarize it with a sentence.’ Niall smirked. ‘It took Hazza over six hours to spit it out.’ He added strolling inside the studio and throwing himself on the couch. ‘Pass the chips?’ He asked putting his feet up on the couch, making Zayn raise an eyebrow at him.

‘I think I preferred you when you were blushing around me.’ 

‘Oh honey. That ship has sailed. This whole…’ Niall said waving his hands around. ‘Getting dumped business makes you seem… almost human.’ He grinned, making Zayn snort against his better judgement. 

‘Wow. You are an asshole.’ He stated with a small grin.

‘An honest asshole.’ Niall smirked, standing up and picking up chips that were right next to Zayn’s elbow. ‘But…’ He added his face getting a bit more serious. ‘I’m sorry about how it all went down. I… I’m not really sure how it went on your end, but from the ‘ex’ part I’m assuming it wasn’t that great.’ 

‘You’re assuming correctly.’ Zayn nodded. ‘Mostly. You should be pretty sure how it went down, you were there. We didn’t really talk much after.’ 

‘I’m sorry. And for what it’s worth - Harry never meant to cause a rift between the two of you. He didn’t even know you were a thing, and also from what I can tell he is physically incapable of hurting Louis.’

‘I don’t blame Harry.’ Zayn sighed. ‘Shit, I don’t even blame Louis.’ He added, throwing his hands up. ‘I was pissed that he didn’t say anything, but frankly the fact that he used to date an incredibly famous singer and wasn’t going around telling people is one of the reasons I was so into him. And I can’t really blame them for being into each other. From the way they were acting, jesus I ship them!’ Zayn groaned. 

Niall looked at him with sympathetic expression. ‘It’s a great story right?’ He asked softly. ‘Against all odds, star crossed lovers bullshit.’ He mused with a small bitter smile. ‘It’s sad it will end just like all of those stories - mutual heartbreak.’ 

‘I don’t really know their story. It’s not like he told me.’ Zayn shrugged.

‘Oh.’ Niall said looking carefully to Zayn. ‘I’m pretty sure I can’t tell you most of it.’

‘Don’t bother. It’s not why I asked you here anyway.’ Zayn shrugged. ‘I also get the picture. Boy falls in love with a boy. They’re happy together until one of the boys gets a recording contract in the closet so he tiptoes back there happily leaving the first boy behind. Fast forward six years and the first boy still can’t get over it and would choose the other boy who dumped him rather than the person who would scream about him from the rooftops. Heard that story plenty.’ 

‘So that’s what you think huh? That Louis is this sad fucker who would take Harry back in a heartbeat even though he chose his career over him?’ 

‘Isn’t he?’ Zayn deadpanned.

‘No.’ Niall shook his head. ‘There was no dumping. No choosing between whatever. They split, when the offer came they split, but not because Harry was so busy chasing his dream that he sacrificed Louis for it. Louis was the one who called it. Harry is convinced that it was because he figured Harry wasn’t important enough to try. But what I think? I think he thought in some fucked up way, that he was holding him back. So he decided to take himself out of the equation. So whatever scenario you made up in your head where you are a good guy that finishes last - this ain’t it.’ 

Zayn was left staring at him with huge eyes, having to reevaluate the entire story in his mind.

‘Oh. So  _ I’m _ the asshole.’ He concluded at the end, looking down at the floor.

‘I wouldn’t go that far.’ Niall rolled his eyes. ‘I don’t blame you for thinking that. It’s a worn out trope. But the truth is… there’s no huge drama here. These are just two guys who are so convinced that the other doesn’t feel the same way anymore that they are going to probably die alone.’ Niall shook his head. ‘I tried to get Harry to call Louis but he is convinced you two are in love, and he said he won’t be messing with that, noble fucker.’ Niall mumbled angirly.

‘I feel like I should be offended about how much you are rooting against me in this whole thing.’ Zayn laughed softly.

‘Well, Harry is my best friend.’ Niall smirked while Zayn looked at him raising one eyebrow ‘And also… considering I had the biggest crush on you, I feel like that would be somehow working against my own interests. To quote a classic: in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. I can’t just be the best friend to Harry’s leading lady.’ Niall added sheepishly.

‘Did you… Did you just quote Holiday?!’ Zayn asked shocked.

‘Yeah, that’s my favorite movie.’ Niall said turning a bit red. 

‘Mine too.’ Zayn said after a bit, enjoying how Niall’s cheeks reddened even more. 

‘We should probably work on a song’ Niall said after a beat when Zayn’s gaze got a bit too intense for him.

‘Yeah.’ Zayn nodded, turning around with a small smile. 

He had a lot of thinking to do. 

* * *

‘See you’re back to working crazy hours when you don’t have me to keep you in line.’ Louis heard Zayn’s voice and whipped his head around so fast, he gave himself a whiplash.

He was working late, had few appointments in Trevor’s actually, and the only time he could do them was late into the evening considering his practice was open until 6 pm.

‘What are you doing here?’ Louis asked, genuinely confused. Ever since Zayn broke up with him over a week ago, there was no sign of him changing his mind. 

There was also no sign of Louis wanting him to change his mind, so he got pretty nervous seeing Zayn in his doorway.

‘I came to apologise.’ Zayn smiled, stepping inside Louis’ office and closing the door behind himself. ‘I didn’t handle our break up that well, and when I actually had time to think about it I realised that it wasn’t really your fault.’ 

‘Um… thanks? I guess.’ Louis started trying to gauge out where Zayn was going with this ‘Look, Zayn, I don’t really blame you for anything. All in all it was a shitty way to find out, even though I had reasons why I didn’t tell you before. So if anyone owes anyone an apology that’s me.’ He said deciding that wherever Zayn was going with this, he still deserved an apology.

‘It’s fine. It was a weird situation.’ Zayn shrugged. ‘And I almost had fun!’ He added then, prompting a chuckle out of Louis. ‘Seriously! If I hadn’t spent an awful amount of time waiting for Harry to jump your bones, it would’ve been a completely non-stressful evening.’ He laughed watching as Louis ducked his head down.

‘He wasn’t…’ Louis started.

‘Oh, stop it.’ Zayn groaned. ‘You’re head over heels for him aren’t you?’ Even though he anticipated the answer, he still needed to ask it to make sure he was doing the right thing. 

Louis thought about lying, but however he turned it around in his head, it didn’t sound right to him. Neither denying his feelings for Harry nor lying to Zayn. 

‘Yes.’ He said instead, figuring it was still not the best place to spew poetry about Harry.

Zayn just nodded his head and asked, ‘Can we at least be friends?’ 

‘I would like that, yeah.’ Louis nodded, smiling softly.

‘I’m not just saying that Lou. You are a fun person to hang with. Even without sex.’ He smirked. ‘I don’t want us to just say we’re gonna be friends and then never talk to each other again.’ He said seriously.

‘If that’s what you truly want, nothing would make me happier.’ Louis smiled, feeling something warm in his stomach about this one thing ending happily.

‘I think I know one thing that could.’ Zayn said taking a small piece of paper out of his trousers and thrusting it towards Louis. 

‘What is it?’ He asked, his forehead wrinkling in confusion while taking the paper mindlessly from Zayn’s hands.

‘It’s Harry’s phone number.’ Zayn smiled. ‘He refuses to call because he thinks we are madly in love.’ He snorted. ‘He’s a good guy. And you two deserve to be happy.’ He added, getting a bit choked up. 

‘Zayn…’ Louis said his eyes wide open, sounding touched.

‘Seriously Lou, we’ve been together for what…a few weeks? It’s not that big of a deal.’ Zayn smiled softly. ‘You thought I would pine over you forever?’ He teased, making Louis smile.

‘Honestly no, I would expect you to drown your sorrows with a blonde on your arm.’ Louis quipped back.

‘I think that is exactly what I’m gonna do.’ Zayn smirked thoughtfully.

He squeezed Louis’ shoulder, kissed his cheek softly, and made him promise to call once he and Harry aired everything out, and only because Louis was a smart man, Zayn decided to follow his advice of - if not drowning sorrows - then at least attaching a blonde to his arm. And he had a very specific blonde in mind. So when he stepped out of the elevator and got inside his car, he took out his phone and called one of his recent contacts.

‘Hi Niall. I was just meaning to ask you… Do want to grab a drink sometime?’

* * *

Louis’ phone was burning a hole in his pocket.

As soon as Zayn left his office he programmed Harry’s phone number into his phone, scared that he would lose it somewhere. Even though he didn’t know what he would do with it, he still had to know that it was there. Just in case. 

He was spinning. Even Liam was helpless, he had officially thrown his hands up and surrendered the game, claiming that he had no idea how to help Louis anymore. And at a time like this, there was only one person that could get to Louis.

So he rescheduled all of his appointments - switched some more pressing ones to his colleagues and headed up north to see his mom.

His house in Doncaster was the same one that he had grown up in. After he had set up his whole practise, he offered to buy his mom and his little sisters something bigger but his mom didn’t let him. She claimed it was unreasonable since Lottie and Fizzy were going to college in the next 2 years and then she would just be there with four other kids, and that the house was plenty big for them. Louis did manage to find a compromise though where she agreed to some renovations inside, so when he stepped inside it wasn’t exactly the home he remembered from his childhood. He was kind of happy about that. The old house was full of his sisters and his mom, yes, but it was also full of Harry. 

His mom must have seen him when he was parking outside because as soon as he closed the door behind him, she was stepping out of the kitchen, her hair a mess, greeting him with a big smile on her face.

‘Hi baby,’ she said softly, tugging him close and enveloping him in a hug that let Louis relax for the first time ever since he had seen Harry again. 

‘Hi mom,’ he smiled inhaling her scent. It always soothed him. Her entire presence always did. She had been his rock ever since he was little and that hadn’t changed when he grew up.

‘Little ones are sleeping already and your sisters are at a sleepover.’ Jay said. ‘So we’re alone tonight.’ She added with a soft smile that indicated she knew he needed to talk about something important and wanted to let him know that he could start anytime without worrying about being overheard. ‘You’re staying for a few days?’

‘Yeah, took three days off.’ Louis smiled tiredly. 

‘Well then, go on, leave your stuff in your room. I’ll make us a cuppa.’ She hurried him away and Louis never wanted to admit it, but he loved that she had kept his room just the way it was when he left for college. That’s how he knew that he always had a place to come back to. 

When he put away his bag and walked back downstairs, she was sitting at the kitchen island with two hot teas in front of her. So he took a seat across and drank a small sip, the warmth filling his chest. She was sitting there, sipping on her own tea quietly, knowing full well to wait until he decided to spill it.

‘I saw Harry recently,’ he said finally.

‘How is he?’ She said without even a hint of an opinion or judgement in her words. She was the smartest person Louis knew, and he loved how she always waited until the end of the story to give her opinion. It was one of the reasons he valued what she had to say so much. 

‘Good? I… I think. I don’t know. It’s … I think he might still … Some people told me. That he might still have feelings for me, I just… I’m not sure if I should believe it.’ 

‘How about you just tell me from the beginning, huh?’ 

‘Well you know I was going with Zayn to that charity gala, right? Well we bumped into some journalists from The Sun, and they were like onto this whole thing with the picture, and now me being with Zayn, and I mean, I don’t know how that happened, but Zayn left and I stayed behind. When I found him again he was talking with Harry.’ Louis swallowed remembering seeing Harry in flesh for the first time in all those years. 

‘I talked to him a bit.’ He admitted. ‘I don’t even remember what we said. I wanted to know so many things but I couldn’t decide what to ask first, and then he asked whether I was with Zayn and well… we came back. He and Niall - that’s Harry’s friend - they were waiting for us, and we spent the entire evening together, but Harry.. He barely said a word, and I was afraid to look at him even, it’s just… I was, I was dazed. I barely remember anything that we did or talked about. It could have been the most awkward evening on the planet and I wouldn’t be able to tell, I was so out of it.’

‘Did you talk after?’ His mom asked softly and Louis shook his head. 

‘Niall took my number, I was to scared to ask for Harry’s. I didn’t know if I could! We left and apparently I wasn’t so suave about all of this because the first question Zayn asked when we got inside the car was, when did me and Harry date. He got pissed, and we broke up.’

‘Oh honey!’ Louis’ mom exclaimed. ‘I’m so sorry.’ 

‘No, mom, it’s… actually it’s fine. He is actually the one that said that Harry still has feelings for me. That Niall says the same thing. He even gave me Harry’s number so I could call him.’ Louis added taking out his cellphone and showing his mom his contacts, like he needed her to confirm that it was real. ‘I just don’t know what to do mom.’ He concluded. 

‘Oh love,’ she smiled softly. ‘You know exactly what to do,’ she added tucking Louis’ hair behind his ear. ‘Let’s revise all of this shall we?’ She asked and Louis nodded. ‘Do you love him?’

‘I do.’ Louis nodded, the last few days not leaving anything to wonder about in that department.

‘Do you think Zayn had any reason to lie to you when he said Harry still has feelings for you?’ 

‘No,’ Louis shook his head. ‘He’s not like that.’

‘Then you should call Harry.’ She shrugged like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

‘Yeah but like, he’s still not out yet, and it’s been so long… and I…’ Louis started worrying his bottom lip between his teeth.

‘Louis, love. All of this does not matter if you both love each other. Because if you do, and if you are both willing to fight for what you have, then you can work with what you have.’ She said resolutely. ‘I think we can also both agree that you are not good at forgetting about each other, and that has to count for something.’ 

‘I never knew you were such a hopeless romantic.’ Louis laughed softly.

‘Proudly so.’ His mom grinned. ‘Love is beautiful, in whichever form it comes. And love like you and Harry share? I don’t believe it happens so often. So when it does it’s that much more precious. I think you know what you want to do, you just need someone to validate it because you think it’s stupidly romantic to go after him after all this time - and it is,’ she laughed. ‘But it’s not a bad thing.’

‘You are the smartest mom in the universe.’ Louis whispered softly.

‘I’ve been told,’ she teased enveloping him in the hug. 

* * *

After spending some time with his mom and sisters, Louis came back to London with a much clearer plan of action: what he needed though was a way in. He could obviously just call Harry up. Shoot him a text. But after all those years, it seemed anti-climatic at best. So he called the only person he could think of that would be able to connect him to Harry.

That’s how he found himself in a studio with Zayn and Niall.

‘I love this.’ Niall grinned from ear to ear when Louis stopped explaining why he needed Niall’s help to get to Harry. ‘So how are we doing this?’ He asked looking around excitedly.

‘I am so not a part of this.’ Zayn murmured, playing with the mixer board.

‘Yes you are, don’t be sore loser, Z.’ Niall beamed at Zayn standing up to loop his arms around his neck and rest his cheek on his head.

‘Am not.’ Zayn grumbled, fighting a grin that threatened to split his face in half.

‘Are too.’ Niall sing-songed mockingly, eliciting a huff of laughter out of Zayn.

Louis looked at them with raised eyebrows and a small smile, thinking for the first time that yeah, Zayn looked like he was going to be just fine. 

‘Can we get back to the issue at hand, please?’ He asked amused about their flirting. ‘I don’t necessarily need Zayn to do anything more though, I just needed him to get me a meeting with you, so you could let me in Harry’s house.’ 

‘This is so romantic.’ NIall gushed throwing himself back on the couch. ‘When do you want to do it?’

‘As fast as we can?’ 

‘Someone’s eager.’ Niall smirked.

‘I’ve waited enough.’ Louis said seriously. ‘We waited long enough.’

‘I know.’ Niall whispered nodding. ‘For now, he is still holed up in his house. He barely leaves it. He can’t, since the big CO is happening. But… his coming out interview will be taped in three days in a secret location. He will definitely leave and be gone for at least a few hours. That’s the only thing I’m sure he won’t miss.’

‘He’s coming out?’ Louis asked with a soft smile.

‘Yeah.’ Niall nodded ‘He and Jeff have been working on it for weeks. Harry has been asking for it for years.’

Louis smiled, thinking about how much of a relief it had to be for Harry.

‘So we’ll do it then.’ Louis nodded, feeling the anticipation raising up in his stomach.

* * *

Two days later, he met with Niall who drove him to Harry’s house. Louis watched as a giant mansion appeared on the horizon. There was a big fence around the property, but Niall just clicked a remote on his car keys and the gate moved to life. The house itself was in a remote location, surrounded mostly by trees, the closest neighbour being a few kilometers away. Louis would probably feel a bit lonely, but he could understand Harry’s instinct to get away from people, to be somewhere where he could be himself.

Niall opened the door to Harry’s house for him and pointed towards the kitchen and living room, before kissing his cheek and yelling that he had to go meet Harry and disappearing back through the door.

Louis walked slowly through Harry’s halls, peeking inside the rooms, but not daring to go any further. He wanted for Harry to show him all of them. To explain the story behind every trinket and every photo Harry had up in his house, and as funny as it might have sounded from a person that literally broke into his house, he didn’t want to invade his space without invitation. So he kept his presence to neutral rooms only, alternating between the kitchen and a living room.

He spent over an hour cooking, then he went about decorating the room, throwing rose petals on the floor and lighting up candles, trying to block out the insistent thought that he would look like a goddamn fool if Harry didn’t want him back. 

He plugged his phone into the speakers and put on some background music, trying to soothe his nerves. He was wiping his hands on his trousers for the hundredth time when he saw the lights come down down the drive. His stomach churned and he felt like he might puke from nerves. Soon enough, he heard the lock turn and the door opened to reveal Harry looking confused.

‘Louis?’ Harry choked out, frozen on the threshold.

‘Yeah,’ Louis smiled softly with a self-deprecating smile.

‘Is this real?’ Harry asked, his mouth starting to curl upwards.

‘Do you often dream about me darling?’ Louis teased tilting his head to the side.

‘Yes.’ Harry answered unabashedly.

‘I do too.’ Louis said biting his bottom lip, his emotions already threatening to take over him. ‘I’ve dreamed about you for so long.’ He shook his head. ‘I thought about calling you. Maybe… Get together. Talk for a bit. See what kind of person you are, see if we’re still… ‘ He trailed off. ‘That would be a logical thing to do,’ he nodded, ‘and we tried the logical solution before, six years ago when I let you go and it left me with nothing more than heartbreak. It left me unhappy.’ Louis whispered, looking at Harry and making a one small step towards him. ‘I was so unhappy without you’

He didn’t even have time to catch his breath or freak out about how Harry would react, because he was in fact in two long strides pushed up against Louis and cradling his head in his hands.

‘I hate the logical thing.’ Harry murmured. 

‘That’s quite a lyric.’ Louis teased softly.

‘I’ve written all of my songs about you already.’ Harry confessed his thumbs caressing Louis’ cheekbones. God he missed those. 

‘I would like to give you some more material. If you’d let me.’ Louis smiled, his hands tightening around Harry’s waist.

‘Please do.’ Harry whispered before he connected their lips. 

Kissing Harry was almost everything he remembered it was, but it also was filled with a hunger that he had kept dormant for the past six years. After only a few seconds, he was being pushed up against the wall and kissed forcefully like Harry was trying to mold them into one person.

‘H…’ Louis moaned out when Harry attached his lips for a second to another part of his skin. ‘I made dinner,’ he chuckled, his eyes shining bright when Harry leaned back a bit and Louis could see his pupils dilated so much that all of the green was gone.

‘You cooked?’ Harry raised an eyebrow. ‘Do I have to remind you the last time you cooked?’ He laughed giddily, the memory fresh in his mind like it had happened a week ago and not years. Louis had tried to make him dinner, to celebrate Harry’s birthday. It was supposed to be a chicken stuffed with mozzarella wrapped in parma ham but it ended up being a burnt chunk. Harry ate it. Of course he did, because Louis had tried to so hard, but he did have to wash it down with unsavoury amounts of wine.

It was one of Harry’s favourite memories. 

‘I did promise you to make it up to you.’ Louis grinned. He did. When they ate it then, Louis promised Harry the do over, and he quietly promised himself that he would learn how to cook to woo him. He started helping his mom in the kitchen a few nights a week. He even started to get better, but he didn’t get the chance to fulfill his promise or show off his progress to Harry. Two months after that dinner, Harry signed a recording contract and left.

‘Show me.’ Harry smiled, kissing Louis again. A quick kiss, like they had all the time in the world. 

Louis smiled and took Harry by the hand, leading him to the dinning room, where he pulled out a chair for Harry and then brought out two plates from the kitchen. 

‘Did you…’ Harry looked at the plate and then back at Louis. ‘Really? You attempted this once again? Am I gonna die?’ Harry teased looking at the plate of chicken stuffed with mozzarella wrapped in parma ham.

‘I learned a thing or two.’ Louis shrugged coyly.

‘Oh yeah?’ Harry asked biting his bottom lip. ‘Perhaps you’ll show me later.’

‘Eat your food.’ Louis commanded with huff, so Harry obediently took a fork in his hand and cut out the small piece of chicken and put it in his mouth. 

‘Fuck,’ he moaned holding a hand over his mouth. ‘This is delicious.’ 

‘See? Told you.’ Louis sing-songed taking a bite himself. 

‘We still should talk.’ Harry said after few seconds, looking all serious all of a sudden.

‘We should.’ Louis nodded. ‘Go ahead,’ he added motioning for Harry to start.

‘What about Zayn?’ 

‘I mean I thought that me breaking into your house to cook you dinner would be enough of a statement.’ Louis answered with a raised eyebrow.

‘Lou. Just answer a question.’ Harry shook his head.

‘We broke up. The same day I saw you again.’ Louis shrugged. ‘He broke up with me, but it’s not like I wanted it any other way. He is the one who gave me your number. He is the one that connected me with Niall so I could do all of this,’ he added. ‘Truth is, we weren’t that serious. We’re friends, that’s all there is.’ 

‘I’m… Louis, I never wanted to meddle…’ Harry started, looking at Louis with huge sad eyes, like he actually felt bad about breaking up Zayn and Louis.

‘I wanted you to meddle!’ Louis interrupted angrily. ‘I wanted you to kiss me in front of everyone there, Zayn, media, every fucking person be damned. The moment I saw you again I was done. The moment I saw you the first time when I was seventeen I was done for. I’m fucking done pretending like I care about anything other than you because I don’t!’ He said his voice booming through the house. ‘I’ve been in a permanent state of vegetation since you left. I don’t want to do it anymore. I know that you’ve probably changed in the past six years and it’s not going to be the same, but I love you, and I don’t want to take it slow. I want all of you. Now. Because I waited long enough!’ He said grabbing Harry’s hand. ‘I’m crazy about you and you don’t even have an idea how much.’

‘I mean you did break into my house to cook me dinner like some kind of a stalker, so I kinda do.’ Harry smirked lacing his fingers with Louis’, who laughed softly shaking his head. ‘I don’t want to take it slow either,’ he whispered talking into Louis’ hand. ‘I’ve been… I’ve lived my dream. I did what most people never even come close to doing. I wake up everyday and can’t believe that this is my life. But every award, every concert, I turned around like I still expected you to be there. Every time I was sad or frustrated because my music wasn’t coming together or someone wrote something shitty, I was always looking for you. I love you so much Lou.’

Louis just smiled and rushed to meet Harry’s lips again in a kiss. It was sweet and after it ended, he just rested his forehead against Harry’s and cuddled his neck.

‘I want to take you to bed. I want to hear about every single thing that happened for the past six years. Then I want to kiss you. I want to take of your clothes and make love to you until someone will come banging on the doors worried if we’re still alive.’ Harry murmured kissing the side of Louis neck. ‘I want you to be here, and I want you to never ever let me go.’ He added looking into Louis’ eyes fiercely.

‘That all?’ Louis smirked, his eyes shining with happiness.

Harry just stood up and pulled Louis up by his hand like he meant to start on his plan right away, and when they were walking towards his bedroom, he turned around with a smile and replied with a question of his own:

‘Is it too much to ask?’


End file.
